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It’s been about a month since I finished the first draft of my book, a project I’ve been working on since early 2016. It’s very long, about 180,000 words (which, if published now, would be over 600 pages) and far from publishable, but it is, at least, a completed draft. I wish I could say it feels “great” or feels like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders, feelings I came to expect as I inched closer to this point. But strangely I feel anything but. I feel, instead, like I’m at mile 20 of a marathon. Anyone who has run a marathon knows that mile 20, while past the geometric half-way point of the race, represents about the experiential half-way point. Though only 6.2 miles remain, you tend to expend as much energy, both physical and emotional, in that remaining 6.2 miles as you did in the first 20.
When I was marathon swimming, I always kept this in mind during my training. If I was training for a 20-mile swim, I knew I needed to train to get to about 16 miles with relative ease, to stack the odds in my favor for a successful swim. I have many stories of how that insight proved valuable on game day as the suffering of the last few miles grew logarithmically from what preceded it.
But unlike running, swimming, or cycling—all things I’ve done and pushed through—I find myself in a different situation with the book, and I’m a bit ashamed to admit it, which is exactly why I forced myself to sit down and write about it this week.
I feel like quitting. I feel like handing the publisher back their advance and scrapping the whole project, never letting anyone see a word of it. I don’t want to push any more. If this were a marathon, I’d stop at the next water station and catch a ride back to the starting line. Such feelings are really unusual for me. In fact, I’m not sure I can think of a time in my life when I’ve felt this way. I’m pretty good at pushing through pain and muscling through struggle.
After brooding over my feelings for a few weeks I’ve started talking about them with a few close friends and I’ve come to realize what may be going on. A big part of what triggered this response is actually fear. Fear that the book will not live up to the (probably impossible) standard I have set. Fear that by the time it’s published (target date is spring 2021), some things I wrote in 2019 will be incorrect. Fear that I will make a mistake—either incorrectly cite some research or incorrectly interpret it. Fear that I can’t update it every few months as my knowledge and experience grow. Fear that the trolls who have created a cottage industry of tearing down people they are jealous of will do to me what they have done to many others before me. Fear that I won’t be proud of it, or worse yet, that I’ll be ashamed of it.
I have never experienced such performance anxiety before. Ever. I’ve never stepped foot in the ocean to begin a long swim and worried I would not finish it. I’ve never stood at the starting line of a time-trial and assumed I would fail to approach a PR. I’ve never started a project and worried I would fail (though I did end up failing at many things, I never went in with the fear).
And yet here I stand, 9 rounds into a 12-round fight, so afraid of losing, that I’m looking for any excuse to throw in the towel.
I suppose on some level I’m writing this to hold myself accountable to you, a potential reader of this book.
At the risk of coming off as a total cheese ball three days after Thanksgiving, there’s a dichotomy in the way that I’m thinking about the book and the related fear. On the one hand, I do appreciate the value of both appropriate praise and criticism, but on the other hand, I am hardwired to detest praise and feel emotionally devastated by criticism. That’s a pretty sad combo that can make for a very miserable life, I realize.
While I’m feeling this way now, I have also been reflecting on all that I have to be thankful for. I’m thankful for you who read my thoughts and emails each week, who listen to the podcast, who call us out when we don’t produce things as good as we should and make mistakes (there are definitely a few podcasts where I believe I have failed as an interviewer, and let listeners down), and who always encourage me to keep going. When we started this weekly email and podcast, I didn’t think I would enjoy it as much as I do and I didn’t think it would grow and reach as many people as it has. I may not be able to respond to all the emails or messages on social media, but I do see the encouragement, and I’m thankful to each of you for your support as I look to enter this next grueling 6.2 miles. And ultimately, I hope we both enjoy the final version.
– Peter
Loving the authenticity and vulnerability of this piece. I have similar wiring and seeing it named fuels hope that more often, when I find myself heading into the “praise/blame” spin cycle, I can just pause and allow it to power down. Very much looking forward to the book Peter!
Hi Peter,
I really hope we all will have the opportunity to read your book in 2021. I think your work is a blessing to lot of people who really want to understand things and not be sattisfied just with interesting headlines in the newspapers. I am pretty sure that you will fight your fear, for yourself and for us, your readers. If this is your biggest fear so far, then, once conquered, it is going to give you the biggest reward ever.
Best regards,
Elena
Keep pushing brother! You are an inspiration. And this is much need information!
God bless & all the very best to you and yours!
Andrew
Hi Peter
Thank you for your courage in sharing this. It is one thing to be aware that this is a common struggle amongst writers (and creators in general), but it is more emotionally powerful (and so inspiring) to have an author you respect share their own vulnerability.
I find it helpful to remember we control the inputs, not the outputs. Perhaps your book will be everything you fear, or everything you dream, or very likely some mix of both. It is the attempt itself that is valuable, because it creates the possibility of success. That fear is ego getting in the way of something more useful.
Keep going.
Nick
Do not let “perfect” be the enemy of “good.” The Book will be good…it will not be perfect. I look forward to reading … and learning from…a “good” book.
I remember my first marathon. I trained and ran the race with this one person. I was ‘anal’ when it came to following my training program. I programmed it into my head ‘not to stop running’ at any cost. At 20 miles my training partner began to walk. I remember yelling at her ‘I cannot stop running, I have to keep running’. And I did. Don’t stop ‘running’. You have to finish. It’s your destiny.
That was a heartfelt email I just read. Thanks for all your work Peter. And you do so much. I listen to your podcasts and read your posts and I’d certainly read your book. Is there anything that I or your following can do to help with this spectacularly grueling project?
Cheers and thanks for everything on this U.S. Thanksgiving weekend;
David Sutherland
Your book will be amazing because you are determined to find the “truth” whatever that may be. Truth in human health needs to be a moving target- there will be things in your book that will annoy you by publishing time but that’s the nature of the beast. There is no such thing as human perfection but there is perfection in how we live the journey. Your journey is perfect and I for one, am keen to read your book: thanks for having the courage to put yourself out there and to do it without advertising!
Congrats on getting this far. You are clearly an analytical person so it will be hard not to over-analyze. Your thoughts are valuable no matter how polished. What’s important is to get them out there. Good luck!
Thank you for hanging in to uncover the fear feeling. I heard you many times express how quick to anger you were in the past and I found, for me, for so long, it was a cover-up for fear. You have expressed what I feel every time I make a recommendation…is it correct, is there something newer, will it do harm, will I let that person down.
You have trained for perfection…just know you have contributed a lifespan of phenomenal information and have increased the health span of more than you will ever know.
You have entertained, taught and for sure saved a life or two! Keep loving what you’re doing as I look forward to every morsel!
I wish you peace as you continue to take excellent care of yourself!
I’m really looking forward to your book, and I can’t wait to read it.
One of the many things that are so great about what you do is the fact that your are so relatable. The feelings you expressed are no different that the ones that anyone of us would have questioning “is this good enough” (It is by the way; your content is some of the best out there!)
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and insight. I have learned so much from you, and look forward to more. Please keep doing what you’re doing – It’s very much appreciated!
Peter,
You (and particularly your writings) have helped far too many people for you not to have built up tremendous credit with a bunch of us out here. My advice would be to engage your mastermind group for feedback; there are dozens of people who you know who would be more than happy to double check your “work” (and are actually qualified to do so), dozens more who would love to proofread it (myself included), scouring the pages for spelling and grammar errors, and anything that could be worded better, and others still, published authors themselves, who would happily give the somewhat finished product a read and provide you with feedback and cover blurbs.
All of these people would now be invested in your book, and would provide not just pre-publication reviews and ratings (for Amazon, etc.), preorders and word-of-mouth advertising, but an army of trolls of your own to attack any would-be trolls who would dare attack you.
Oh, and P.S., you’re too hard on yourself; you’ve already accomplished so much more than most people ever endeavor to do that anyone (yourself included) who wants to give you crap can sit down, and suck a lolly.
Oh, and another P.S. by crowdsourcing your proofing this way you can speed publication, therefore making it much less likely that anything will be out of date.
Oh dear! You are human after all. On a serious note, thank you sincerely for sharing this. Like many, many of your readers, I have been waiting for your book to come out. Not because it will be perfect, but it’s much needed at the point in time. Please don’t stop now. All the best to you and thanks again for doing what you do.
Just signed up for your emails because of this endearing post. Well, that and I’m familiar with your work, which is so valuable and excellent.
Usually I NEVER subscribe to weekly emails because they end up being extremely “lame” and annoying.
But your writing content and style is consistently brilliant and helpful, so I’m in.
Carry on, and get that book finished for us, Dr. Attia. We need it.
Peter-
I have an thought on WHY you are so frustrated and fearful – I think its because of the BOOK format. In your honest and revealing post – You are dying inside because you fear that it will be out of date by the time its in print. So what! Every book ever written is dated – time moves on. That doesn’t make them less valuable. If we need up to date – that’s what the internet, your emails, blogs and podcasts are for.
So I was sad to hear you almost want to give up – don’t – the fact that this is a printed book seems to me the central root-cause of your hesitation and nervousness – You are so used to having, and currently providing all of us with the most to up-to-date, current, relevant scientific research on health and longevity, and now you fear by the time a book is finished, approved, printed and in the hands of readers – it will be so far out of date. Well, that’s the nature of books – its not your fault – and it does not make them worthless. Your book will reach many more people – and serve as a starting point for them to later get updated with your blog, podcast and other up-to the minute information.
So, just power through the fear – know that you are doing the right thing – and your book will be a great success. I can’t wait to pre-order, read, and buy multiple copies for all my friends and family. The knowledge I’ve gained from you and all the scientists you’ve interviewed has probably added 10 years to my lifespan, and massively improved my healthspan from now until then. I’m 50 and feel like I’m 30 again.
If Peter Attia wrote it – its worth our time and money – and a guaranteed best-seller. Keep up the great work!
Take a break at the water station, munch for a while on a banana, and hope for a second wind. I’m really excited about this book!
Dear Peter,
Softly I say, focus on this gift to learn and teach in the Now because that is all we have – Now!
With growth, we may eventually identify and/or understand those variables missed, those that did not matter, and those that may have offered (dis)advantages to certain individuals, communities, or continents.
It is amazing to acknowledge Fear, but do not run from this beast and neglect your talent!
Potential obstacles challenge our flow. There will be jealousy, fear and greed to anger some persons to destructive criticism of your work…as of many others.
I am/We are grateful and sincerely appreciate the education and insight you share. Stay focused and complete this journey because another is on the horizon.
Daily blessings to you and yours,
Peter,
Like all of us who read/listen/follow you, I’m a big fan. Keep grinding. The only way to fail is to quit. And, it would personally piss me off if I didn’t get to read it.
You’ve got this brother!
Cheering on! You’re doing some great work where it is much needed: more substance and nuance than PopSci, and better overview and understandability than academic articles.
I cant wait to to read the book … no time for fear… stay strong